Resilience is about advancing despite adversity. Some say Resilience is the ability to “bounce back” from difficult challenges. Resilience is also about adapting to change easily while maintaining a good attitude.
We have been Married and Entrepreneurs for 39 years. We have gone through some of the toughest challenges out there, like adoption, a child with cancer, suicide, death of loved ones and more…like self-employed and losing hundreds of thousands of dollars in investments.
What I found is that there are traits and principles that you can implement into your life that will allow you to be extremely resilient! I believe this so much that I wrote a book on this called, Leadership From the Inside Out – Are You the Leader YOU Would Follow.
In our video and article this week, we are going to be talking about three of the seven traits that I teach in my book. You can watch this episode and read the article to gain the 3 Traits on “How to be more resilient when times get tough!” Let’s talk about these 3 that will help you to be more resilient almost immediately!
Trait #1-Sincere Service
When times get toughest…turn to sincere service. This is all about getting outside of yourself and focusing on others.
Many years ago in 1995, our world was turned upside down with the news that our oldest son had a Brain Tumor the size of a lemon. He was just nine years old. With this news, our son was taken from being in an MRI machine to a bed in the ICU. We were then told there was no way to explain why this child was even alive due to the water on his brain! The brain tumor would require immediate surgery and a six-week hospital stay. Radiation would begin the following week each day for an additional six weeks. Chemotherapy would start
before radiation was through and it would take nine months to complete the chemotherapy regimen prescribed. This began an unbelievable trip through everything from despair and anguish to fear and disbelief. It created chaos and stress while racking up unbelievable medical bills and 180 nights that my son and I slept at Primary Children’s Hospital in eleven months!
This was a time of extreme overwhelm and frustration and yet at the same time we were able to experience peace, joy and love in a huge way as we implemented and lived two of the traits I teach. As we lived our lives from Gratitude and as we learned a new way to SHOW Sincere Service it began to create a way for our own nightmare to become livable. We were able to see beyond ourselves and embrace doing for others a heavy our weight was lifted! I share our signature story of a Mylar balloon and our willingness to do Service, no matter what was going on for us and how our lives were changed by this.
What I can tell you is that this was not the end of our trials, but rather more like the beginning. This was our first fight with cancer for our son Jesse and was not the last. In fact the second fight came at the age of 25 for him. He broke his back and 10 weeks later was diagnosed with another brain tumor.
This brain tumor was committed. It grew back twice! He had to have 3 surgeries in just 5 months. In just seven months total, Jesse endured a broken back, three brain tumor removal surgeries, loss of hearing due to complications from surgery, complete loss of sight in his right eye and radiation! Yet, while enduring this horrific time in his life, and being in the biggest hole you can imagine, he was serving others, lifting others and being grateful for all that he had. You can see him in this picture, in a deep hole, yet…he is happy. Happiness really is a choice, and it is easy to choose when you are filled with Genuine Gratitude and Sincere Service!
It was through these tough challenges that I realized the significance that Sincere Service could have and how it shows up in all that we do, even when we are not faced with horrific trials, perhaps just the everyday challenges that we face every day.
I teach that there are two types of service: Simple Service & Sincere Service. Let me explain what I mean by putting all service in these two categories.
First is Simple Service: In my book this is something that we do daily. It is expected, even required. Such as: you choose to be in a relationship even marriage, you choose to serve that person regularly. You choose to be a parent; you have chosen to serve that child for the rest of your life! You sign up or agree to do a community/church position or be on a committee, it will come with service, or you have accepted a job and it comes with a considerable amount of service in working with each other as well as customer service! Simple Service can look like this:
- Feel Obligated
- Feel guilty
- Feel it is required
- Can feel like it takes a ton of effort
Second is Sincere Service: How I describe sincere service is that when you have done sincere service You feel it deep within your heart. You are changed by doing this service and are a better person for having done the service. It raises your character. It is giving superior service to others. It is doing something for someone else that they cannot do for themselves. It is treating a customer good because it is what is best for them—it is in their best interest. It is showing Gratitude for your client because you genuinely do care about them. Sincere service can look like this:
- Raises your character
- Moves you forward/what you put out you get back multiplied
- Builds relationships
- Creates Loyalty and Gains Respect
- Comes naturally and you look for ways to create it
When was the last time you experienced Sincere Service as a giver or receiver?
Trait #2–Genuine Gratitude
If you want more abundance in your life, find Gratitude. Embrace Gratitude with every part of yourself. Have an Attitude of Gratitude in everything you do. Attitudes are contageous…..is your attitude worth catching?
This is one of my favorite quotes by Oprah. “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.”
Gratitude is a belief and an action. It does not come easily until you have made the Decision about it and decided that you truly want happiness to be your focus and that you want to learn and grow from the things that you face daily. Then, it becomes easier. What we focus on is what we create more of in our lives, so that means if we focus on the negative, we get more negative, but if we focus on the positive, we get more positive. When we focus on being grateful, we have more to be grateful for. When we focus on how to find gratitude in our everyday life and even those things that are challenging, we find that we have additional strength and that we are blessed beyond measure.
I teach others a concept that I would like you to consider. Generic Gratitude to me is when we are grateful for the ordinary things in our lives, or maybe I should call them our comforts in life. For example, to have a roof over your head, a warm comfy bed to sleep in and an abundance of
food to eat. Perhaps you are grateful for a good job, great clothes, jewelry, hot water and your family or your spouse and children. We are grateful for rain, sun and our beautiful world. I am even Grateful for all my many Shoes!! While we must be grateful for all of this and then some, in fact, the list could go on forever. I want you to know that it is very important to have Generic Gratitude. We are a blessed Nation. As a people we have more than over 80% of the world. Yet we always want more, right? Without Gratitude for what we have right now, we will not be able to attract more. So, make sure that you have Gratitude in all things. These things are easy to have gratitude for and so easily that we sometimes take them for granted.
Now, I want you to consider what I call Genuine Gratitude. This is much tougher to be grateful for. This comes when we are truly grateful for the Trials and Challenges in our life. CRAZY, right? NO! When we are truly grateful for our struggles through challenges and trials and are open to learning the lessons being taught, we grow. We will learn and grow so much faster if we will be grateful for our tough times. These times are here to teach us and if we will embrace it, learn from it, and be grateful, truly grateful, our trials will not be such a burden. It is when we will embrace our struggles, look outside of ourselves and see what others are suffering from, that is when we realize that everyone is going through tough things, and we are all handling it at different levels.
My challenge to you is to learn how to have Genuine Gratitude for your trials just as you would your blessings and fully embrace happiness for yourself, even amidst your toughest times. I have lived it both ways, and what I have found is that when you have Gratitude while
struggling through difficulties your life becomes blessed. Others will reach out to you and assist you and you will find that the perfect things start to surround you. When you have gratitude, others see your value and step up for you in ways you never thought possible. I found this quote that I find so true: “At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” –Albert Schwitzer
The faster you go to gratitude the sooner you begin to feel resilient!
Trait #3 – Lasting Love
The measure of love is to love without measure. I believe this is true! So, let’s talk about the difference that I see in the two categories I have created. “LIVE in Lasting Love NOT Limited Love” You might want to think of them in terms of conditional love and unconditional love. The reason that I have taken it to Limited Love verses Lasting Love instead of Unconditional and Conditional Love is that I feel there are more areas to be explored in this area and that we can go deeper in “limiting and lasting”.
I see limited love as having several parts. When we talk about limited anything, we are talking about having something withheld or held back, perhaps having restrictions or expectations having to be met to be able to receive. This shows up in limited love as having conditions, such as if you do this then I will do that. Whenever we have restrictions or conditions to our love it creates it to be limited love. Anytime there are expectations or requirements, it is creating barriers and restrictions which then limit our ability to love fully.
Here are several examples of this to allow you to see what I am talking about:
- Discrimination, racism, inequality, prejudice.
- People around you feel insignificant or unworthy
- Your child cannot play with a child down the street because they are different then you
- A child feels like they are not loved completely if their grades are not high enough, bedroom not picked up, chores done right, etc.
- People around you feel insignificant or unworthy
- Unrealistic Expectations of self and others
- People feel judged by you, even the first time meeting them.
- If people feel less than when they are around you
- When you lack patience with someone else or yourself
- Gossip, back biting, being unsupportive and speaking ill of others
- When you jump to conclusions and are accusatory towards others
- A Co-worker that drives you crazy
- Jealousy and Comparison to others
- Frustrations and losing your temper easily
- Divorce, separation and splitting up
- Any form of abuse
Even though that is quite a list, it is just a drop in the bucket. The easiest way to know if you are falling into the trap of limited love is to ask yourself this question: Will this end with lasting love? If the answer is no, you are in limited love.
Now, before you go all a-wall on me, let me also say that you do need to place boundaries around you and your loved ones. You do need to be aware and proactive in protecting yourself from others that are not living in Lasting Love and make sure that safety is a first priority. But you also need to be on high alert to make sure that it is not just about you being in judgment and falling into the trap of Limited Love.
What is Lasting Love? My best definition is this:
- Love that lasts no matter what.
- Completely unconditional and constant.
- It is something that you not only say, but you do.
- Shown through actions, as actions speak louder than words.
- It is given freely, openly and consistently.
- People feel it from you without even really knowing you.
- Others want to be like you and are not sure why.
- It is found in Sincere Service and being Outward focused.
- Empathy, Humility, Honor, Sacrifice and Patience.
- Forgiveness for others and for yourself.
- It is shown through Genuine Gratitude.
Remember to be careful with your “I love you but… OR I love you as long as ___________________.”
Love is the strongest power in the world. It allows inclusion, acceptance, and belonging. Love is the strongest force! It governs everything, we will do anything to get what we love and who we love. We live for LOVE and would die for LOVE.
This is a long blog, but I hope you will implement these three traits into your life at a new level. I realize that for most of you this is nothing new, but I would hope that you found something new to consider or a new way to look at things.