We cannot allow fear to stop us. You will often hear me say, “Fear can stop you or propel you, the choice is yours!” ~Kris Barney. The BEST way to Overcome fear of Conflict is to put Conflict Resolution Tactics in place.
Conflict Resolution does not have to be difficult. It can be very manageable when you learn the tactics proven to work well and implement them.
One of the BEST things I can share with you is this: Be willing to do things differently to have different RESULTS!
In a world of chaos and uncertainty, one of the things you can count on is Conflict! We will not all see eye to eye or agree on everything. Whether it is personal relationships, politics, a world pandemic, our belief system or even our work dynamics, everyone has their own opinions, ideas, experiences, and values so we can expect to have conflicts in many areas. But it does not mean that we cannot learn ways to improve how we communicate and handle our Conflicts. We see different results as we learn new skills and even implement skills we have not been using as well as we could. When we have improved results, we have greater success and isn’t that what we all strive to have?
Most Conflicts are a result of a Breakdown in Communication. Let’s consider the cause and effect. When we have a breakdown in our communication, we naturally see how people get hurt feelings, say things in the heat of the moment, call names or say things they do not mean, snap at each other and say or do things to get even.
But, what if we were to “take off those boxing gloves” and not be quite so quick to jump to conclusions or be prepared for a fight. It is amazing to me how often people are looking for that fight, looking to jump down someone else’s throat and voice their opinion just to be contradictory. What if we learned to “Diffuse” the situation rather than throw gasoline on the fire?
When we are willing to take off the gloves and learn ways to act in a new way, we can have huge success! Are you willing to set down those boxing gloves?
Last year I went to Lake Powell with my husband Bill. When we arrive there, we get our boat out of the “dry dock” and sleep on it the first night before dropping it in the water. Once we are in the water there is little to no cell service or internet.
I was awakened early the next morning by an extremely lengthy text from someone that is in my inner circle. This person was very frustrated with me for something they heard me say to someone else and had been offended by me from some other things that I had said almost a year ago that had built into hurt feelings and being quite offended. They were very defensive, and I could tell that this had gone on way too long.
I immediately tried to call this person to talk about this situation and only got through to voicemail. I left a message stating that I was sorry for hurting, offending, and upsetting them. I told them it was important to me that we straighten this out, let them know that I loved them and told them that I would like to talk with them as soon as possible.
Because we were just dropping the boat in the water, I knew I would not be able to talk with this person for at least 5 days, because we would not have cell service. This text weighed on my heart heavily and I struggled with this for most of our trip. Upon returning from the lake, it was a few days before I received a phone call back and was able to talk this out. I am not going to lie….this
hurt! Most of what was said was taken out of context and this person had jumped to a few conclusions which made it much worse than what I had said, but it hurt this person as well and they believed that I was seeing them differently than I do. I would never want this to be the case!
Have you ever had something like this happen? YES. We all have! We are misunderstood and people jump to conclusions all the time! This is not something new. But if we can diffuse the conflict we can come to a resolution in a timely manner.
Where do we Start?
Tactic #1 – Diffuse
- Take immediate Action. Begin to diffuse as soon as possible. Do not use the silent treatment and do not procrastinate to avoid having to deal with it! Those things only escalate the problem and create it to be worse.
- Apologize right away. This is not taking or giving blame or proving who was wrong, it is simply saying I am sorry that I offended you or hurt you. There is nothing wrong with giving an apology for your actions, words or decisions that could be offensive or hurtful to someone else.
- Declare your Intention. When we state that we want to resolve the issue as soon as possible, we take the “heat” out of the moment. When we declare that we want to come to a resolution it shows that we are trying to be open to seeing things from both points of view. When we declare our intention, we show that we are taking the first steps to work together.
- Listen! Listen to gain clarity. Listen and hear what is being said, not so you can come up with your next come back or answer in your defense. Listen and care about what is going on for them. Why were they hurt or offended? How could you have said or done this differently? Listen to gain clarity. Listen to diffuse the conflict.
When I was able to have a call with this person, it was an easy resolution. We were able to talk about how it had been taken out of context and the misinterpretations in what was said and how it was meant. I was grateful to have this resolved and also grateful to have gone through
the hurt, as it helped me to see that I get to be more conscious of what I am saying and how others can be affected by it. It also gave me a good look at ways to teach this to other people. This can be simple when you are willing to implement it.
This was an easy conflict to “Resolve”, but would not have been had I not, #1-Taken action immediately with a phone call, left the message with an #2-Apology and #3-Declaring my Intention, then being willing to #4-Listen and allow the other person to be heard, valued and appreciated.
Tactic #2 – Accountability
Taking accountability is a huge step toward resolution. The more accountable we are the swifter we can create the change we want. So, let’s talk about Accountability VS Blame.
There are two sides to every conflict, and it is rare that one side is completely to blame and the other side is completely without blame. So, when you find yourself in conflict with another person, ask yourself honestly, “What is my part in this?” If you can start the conversation with, “I see how what I have done contributed to the problem we are having.” You have taken the first step toward your accountability to the situation. When you do this, it allows the other person
the opportunity to take personal accountability for their part in it too.
Too many times we play the blame game and start pointing fingers at what the other person said or did to offend us and get all caught up in the drama, rather than taking personal ownership and accountability of our part in it.
Let’s work to get away from the “I’m Right You’re Wrong” approach. Seriously, no one in their right mind even likes this! This is something that we learn over time during our childhood, and it should be taught to everyone that it does not work.
To have positive Progress we get to be solution providers and look for ways to communicate more proficiently. When we are able to say things such as; “I feel like ____________when you said ________________, rather than just being accusatory to that person. Also acknowledging what they are saying, and feeling will
allow for the other person to be heard and valued. When you change the context of your communication to be less threatening and more understanding and accepting it will come across powerfully and respectfully. This will take the “sting” out and allow for conflicts to be resolved easily.
The Three Key Points of Accountability in your Conflict Resolution Tactics:
- Take Immediate Accountability
- Avoid Debate Tactics, instead be a Solution Provider
- Use a New Approach: Use statements such as: “I feel like___________________ rather than “You always do ______________!”
When you consciously try to be a Solution Provider it will surprise you how well you get along with almost everyone! It will improve your relationships, allow you to enjoy interaction with your family and friends and even make going to the store an experience that you enjoy on a higher level!
In every situation that we find ourselves in that involves conflict, we get to Identify where the breakdown or weak issue is. It will amaze you how often fear is the underlying cause which shows up as an emotional component. Being able to identify what is happening and what started the problem will lead you to solutions and allow you to have better communication and success.
Tactic #3 – Identify
Identify where the breakdown or weak issue is. It will amaze you how often fear is the underlying cause which shows up as an emotional component. Being able to identify what is happening and what started the problem will lead you to solutions and allow you to have better communication and success.
Why are they afraid or in fear?
- Why is this behavior showing up?
- What do they fear about this?
- How could I do things differently?
- What can I do to remove the fear and get back to addressing the issue?
When we take the time to Identify the fears of the other person – we can often resolve a conflict by speaking to their fears. When they no longer have fears, the difficult behaviors will often disappear.
Let’s consider an example from Mother Nature.
People who hike in the backcountry know that the most dangerous animal is a mother bear with her cubs. She is aggressive and will attack at a moment’s notice.
This is definitely a situation for your conflict resolution skills! Just ask yourself, why is ‘Momma Bear’ afraid? Obviously, she fears for the safety of her babies.
When you can assure a mother bear that she and her babies are safe, you are not likely to have any problems with ‘Momma Bear!’
People, like momma bears, can be difficult to be around when they are afraid. You can try to reason with momma bear all day long and she will be impossible to deal with until you take away her fears. Humans are not so different in that respect. When you can address the fear or you can remove the fear, the other person will work with you in a completely different way.
The morale to this example is to IDENTIFY why this person is in fear.
People do not see things as they are. We see things as WE ARE. From our own experiences, our values, our beliefs, our lessons in life. We all have our own criteria of how we see things. This means that we all see things from a different set of rules or criteria. We must be willing to see things from the other point of view if we really want to resolve conflict. Being able to Identify where their fear may be coming from will allow you to address the conflict differently. When you can identify the underlying issues, you are able to have clear communication and resolve the differences or at least agree to disagree on what you are in conflict over.
Tactic #4 – Collaboration
Collaboration is the action of working with someone to produce or create something. It is a process of working together to bring forth a project, task or achieve a goal. Collaboration is a way to communicate with each other and cooperate in a way that is in the interest of all parties involved. It has a way to unite and merge us together with the potential to expand, share, support and blend.
Why do we want to do this?
- Builds Better Relationships
- Creates a Safe Place for Everyone
- Shows Respect, Love and Acceptance
- Promotes a Culture of Creativity
- Everyone can Grow and Achieve
- All members feel heard, respected, and valued.
- Allows everyone to work at their highest potential.
- Promotes teamwork and growth.
Collaboration comes when you have implemented the other 3 tactics. Those 4 areas are:
- Diffuse
- Accountability
- Identify
- Collaboration
For Collaboration to have its full effect and support all involved, there are some skill set requirements:
- Leadership skills
- Problem Solving skills
- Knowledge Sharing skills
- Good Communication skills
- Cooperation Skills
When these five skill sets are present you can have a united front in collaborating with everyone and uniting as a group or team for the best results. But we also suggest that you have another list of qualifiers that we call Collaboration Characteristics. It is next to impossible to have a successful collaboration without having basic characteristics that are valued by all involved. Here is a list of some of the most important, but please identify the characteristics that you feel are important as well:
- Trust
- Safety
- Diversity
- Creativity
- Respect
- Empowerment
- Positivity
- Willingness
- Leadership
- Courage
- Loyal
- Effective communication
According to psychologists and a lot of data on our big wide Web, we as people are programmed to say NO. This happens all the time. We first look for why we should not do what someone else suggests or that they want to do what we want to do. It is proven over and over, yet it is the most restrictive behavior we could ever allow. Because we are first programmed to say no or consider what we want first, we get to learn to be a YES AND Person. This is inclusive and allows others to feel valued, appreciated, heard, and feel that they belong.
Think about this in your professional and personal life. As we are more accepting and consider all ideas or suggestions of a spouse or child, we get along better. There is more unconditional love. When we do this in our professional life, we seem to be more accepting, less judgmental, easier to work with and liked by almost everyone.
Why do we want to do this?
- Builds Better Relationships
- Creates a Safe Place for Everyone
- Shows Respect, Love and Acceptance
- Promotes a Culture of Creativity
- Everyone can Grow and Achieve
- All members feel heard, respected, and valued.
- Allows everyone to work at their highest potential.
- Promotes teamwork and growth
This is a long article/blog but thank you for being with us today! There is TONS of great content in here on “How to Overcome Fear of Conflict in a Team” and will exponentially increase your success if you will implement these 4 Tactics!
Here’s to your success!