In a world of chaos and uncertainty, one of the things you can count on is Conflict!
We are not all going to see eye to eye or agree on everything. Whether it is personal relationships, politics, our belief system or even our work dynamics, everyone has their own opinions, ideas, experiences, and values so we can expect to have conflicts in many areas. But it does not mean that we cannot learn ways to improve how we communicate and handle our conflicts.
As we learn new skills and even implementation of skills we have not been using as well as we could, we see different results. When we have improved results, we have greater success and isn’t that what we all strive to have?
That is why we have decided to do a four-part series on Conflict Resolution. Here is what the Series will look like:
- Part 1 – Diffuse
- Part 2 – Accountability
- Part 3 – Identify
- Part 4 – Collaboration
Most Conflicts are a result of a Breakdown in Communication. Let’s consider the cause and effect. When we have a breakdown in our communication we naturally see how people get hurt feelings, say things in the heat of the moment, call names or say things they do not mean, snap at each other and say or do things to get even. Right now, people are stressed out and having to do things differently than ever before. They are tired and more likely to lash out. People are not feeling safe or that they belong, and these can show up in different emotions and in our communication with each other.
But, what if we were to “take off those boxing gloves” and not be quite so quick to jump to conclusions or be prepared for a fight. It is amazing to me how often people are looking for that fight, looking to jump down someone else’s throat and voice their opinion just to be contradictory. What if we learned to “Diffuse” the situation rather than throw gasoline on the fire?
When we are willing to take off the gloves and learn ways to act in a new way, we can have huge success! Are you willing to set down those boxing gloves?
A while ago I went to Lake Powell with my husband Bill. When we arrive there, we get our boat out of the “dry dock” and sleep on it the first night before dropping it in the water. Once we are in the water there is little to no cell service or internet. I was awakened early the next morning by an extremely lengthy text from someone that is in my inner circle. This person was very frustrated with me for something they heard me say to someone else and had been offended by me from some other things that I had said almost a year before that had built into hurt feelings and being quite offended. They were very defensive, and I could tell that this had gone on way too long.
I immediately tried to call this person to talk about this situation and only got through to voicemail. I left a message stating that I was sorry for hurting, offending, and upsetting them. I told them it was important to me that we straighten this out, let them know that I loved them and told them that I would like to talk with them as soon as possible.
Because we were just dropping the boat in the water, I knew I would not be able to talk with this person for at least 5 days, because we would not have cell service. This text weighed on my heart heavily and I struggled with this for most of our trip. Upon returning from the lake, it was a few days before I received a phone call back and was able to talk this out. I am not going to lie….this hurt! Most of what was said was taken out of context and this person had jumped to a few conclusions which made it much worse than what I had said, but it hurt this person as well and they believed that I was seeing them differently than I do. I would never want this to be the case!
Have you ever had something like this happen? YES. We all have! We are misunderstood and people jump to conclusions all the time! This is not something new. But if we can diffuse the conflict we can come to a resolution in a timely manner.
Where do we Start?
1. Take immediate action. Begin to diffuse as soon as possible. Do not use the silent treatment and do not procrastinate to avoid having to deal with it! Those things only escalate the problem and create it to be worse.
2. Apologize right away. This is not taking or giving blame or proving who was wrong, it is simply saying I am sorry
that I offended you or hurt you. There is nothing wring with giving an apology for your actions, words or decisions that could be offensive or hurtful to someone else.
3.Declare your Intention. When we state that we want to resolve the issue as soon as possible, we take the “heat” out of the moment. When we declare that we want to come to a resolution it shows that we are trying to be open to seeing things from both points of view. When we declare our intention, we show that we are taking the first steps to work together.
4.Listen! Listen to gain clarity. Listen and hear what is being said, not so you can come up with your next comeback or answer in your defense. Listen and care about what is going on for them. Why were they hurt or offended? How could you have said or done this differently? Listen to gain clarity. Listen to diffuse the conflict.
When I was able to have a call with this person, it was an easy resolution. We were able to talk about how it had been taken out of context and the misinterpretations in what was said and how it was meant. I was grateful to have this resolved and also grateful to have gone through
gave me a good look at ways to teach this to other people. This can be simple when you are willing to implement it.
This was an easy conflict to “Resolve”, but would not have been had I not, #1-Taken action immediately with a phone call, left the message with an #2-Apology and #3-Declaring my Intention, then being willing to #4-Listen and allow the other person to be heard, valued and appreciated.
Conflict Resolution does not have to be difficult. It can actually be very manageable when you learn the tactics that are proven to work well and put them into action. Be willing to do things differently to have different outcomes!